Many of us inherit a set of unspoken rules about pleasure—what it should look like, who is allowed to experience it, and under what circumstances. These rules are often shaped by cultural norms, family beliefs, religion, and media, reinforcing restrictive ideas about sexuality. But what if these rules are limiting rather than liberating? What if rewriting them is the key to discovering a more fulfilling erotic life?
Where Do These Rules Come From?
From an early age, we absorb messages that define what is ‘acceptable’ in intimacy and desire. These can include:
- Gendered Expectations – The idea that men should always desire sex and women should be passive recipients of pleasure.
- The Performance Myth – The belief that sex should follow a script, focusing on penetration and orgasm as the ultimate goals.
- Moral and Religious Shame – Teachings that frame desire as sinful or dangerous, leading to guilt around pleasure.
- The Love-Sex Connection – The notion that sex must always be tied to romantic love and commitment.
While these ideas may be comforting for some, they often create shame, anxiety, or dissatisfaction for those whose desires fall outside these rigid expectations.
How Sexual Conditioning Shapes Experience
The way we think about sex influences how we experience it. If we view pleasure as something that must be ‘earned’ or granted by a partner, we may struggle with self-advocacy and erotic agency. If we have been taught that some fantasies are ‘wrong,’ we may suppress them rather than explore them with curiosity.
Rewriting the rules means recognising that sexuality is deeply personal, diverse, and evolving. It is about shifting from external validation (what society expects) to internal authenticity (what genuinely feels good for you).
Steps to Reclaim Your Pleasure
If you’re ready to let go of outdated sexual scripts, consider these steps:
- Challenge Beliefs: Question inherited ideas about what sex ‘should’ be. Are these beliefs serving you, or are they limiting your pleasure?
- Redefine Success: Move away from goal-oriented sex and towards a more sensory, exploratory experience.
- Own Your Desires: Your fantasies and preferences are valid. You don’t need permission to enjoy what excites you.
- Create New Rituals: Develop practices that honour pleasure on your own terms, whether through self-exploration, communication, or deepening connection with a partner.
- Find Sex-Positive Spaces: Engage with communities, literature, and media that celebrate erotic diversity and encourage open-minded exploration.
Pleasure as a Radical Act
In a world that often polices and controls sexuality, choosing to prioritise pleasure is a radical act of self-liberation. It’s about reclaiming your body, your needs, and your right to experience intimacy in ways that resonate with you.
Rewriting the rules of pleasure doesn’t mean rejecting all traditions—it means choosing consciously, with awareness and intention. When you step into authentic, unfiltered desire, you open yourself to a new world of possibility—one where pleasure is not just something you receive, but something you create.
So ask yourself: What would my erotic life look like if I freed myself from outdated rules? The answers might surprise you.
Tereasa Trevor 